Review: Steel Panther- Heavy Metal Rules
October 25, 2019
Every few years Steel Panther return and remind us how deprived we’ve actually been from the world of real heavy metal and this year is no exception as they’ve returned with Heavy Metal Rules, which obliterates everything your earholes have heard this year.
“Zebraman” opens the album- why’s it called that? Who the hell knows and who the fuck cares? We’re reminded here that Steel Panther is better than punk, Madonna, Ozzy, Dokken, Judas Priest and everything else. They follow this up with “All I Wanna Do is Fuck (Myself Tonight),” which is Panther at their absolute best. It would make a great live opener and they remind us that no one- and they mean no one- is sexier to them than themselves- even they can’t resist them. And if they can’t resist them, how can anyone resist them? Trust me, it makes sense.
“Let’s Get High Tonight” is next up and it’s the best thing ever. Gluten free ecstasy and mushrooms and fornicating on the neighbor’s lawn highlight this drug-infused masterpiece.
“Always Gonna Be a Ho” follows it up in the vein of “Community Property” and “That’s When You Came In.” Here we see the band breaking it down to a loved one in the only way they know how and the only way they need to- with singer Michael Starr telling her he kissed her mouth and tasted guitar player Satchel’s dick, her name was tattooed on his grandpa’s arm and asking her if her vagina has ever seen the shade.
“I’m Not Your Bitch” is an arena anthem if there ever was one. With the 80’s riff intro and heavy, gritty riff that follow, this song pretty much sums it up. They aren’t your bitch and that’s all there is too it.
“Fuck Everybody” is the essential track for anyone having a bad day. This song shows them getting in a car wreck, sitting next to a stinky dude on a plane, they stepped in dog shit in their driveway and they don’t own a dog, etc. Everything that can go wrong goes wrong and you know you have a day coming where you’ll use this song.
“Heavy Metal Rules” is Steel Panther’s “Home Sweet Home” while “Gods of Pussy” is pretty self-explanatory. They have so many girls, it’s just getting hard to handle but they’re the Gods of Pussy for being able to fuck so many.
The gem on this album is closer “I Ain’t Buying What You’re Selling.” This is a straight-up ballad and is completely different from the rest of the record and stands out in such a strong way, and has a strong meaning and message behind it.
Rating: 9/10
-Reggie Edwards